I was about 50 years old when it hit me that I was a failure. A failure according to society, and to what other’s expected of me. The sad truth was, that I had blindly taken those expectations and made them my own.
So, when I got divorced once, then twice, and moved on to my third marriage, others didn’t seem to think that it was all that important, or sincere, or valid. Obviously, I hadn’t done too well the first two times so why would anyone think I’d honor these vows, make this “lifetime” commitment the third time around?
I grew up thinking I’d get married and have children, I’d own a home, have a great job, retire fairly young, have the freedom to travel, to have my many children over for holidays and summers, and basically live the American Dream. Sound familiar?
Well, my dream didn’t go as planned. As I’ve mentioned, now on my third marriage, I’m the mother of one daughter (and two glorious grandchildren) a renter as opposed to being a homeowner, and retirement is something so far off, I may never see it (like many other people in this country.)
So, what’s the problem you ask? You have a husband, a daughter, grandchildren, a home to live in, and all the wonderful things that go along with that.
The problem is getting this old story off my back. The story that I should’ve done things differently – that I should be at a different place in my life, with certain achievements and accomplishments, a check-off list so to speak. That I didn’t follow the rules – and I was carrying a certain amount of shame and embarrassment for not being the person I expected I would be, the person I thought I should be. Or what I thought others wanted me to be. Can you relate to any of this?
I knew I couldn’t go on living this way, full of regret, always looking back, always wondering what could have been. My mind and emotions were keeping me stuck. It was causing me a great deal of sadness, a loss of motivation, and the ever-present feeling that I’d really f’d it all up. Did it all wrong. And truthfully, it was keeping me from liking myself, from feeling I was worthy of anything different. It was keeping me from being happy, from feeling good about myself, from being satisfied. I needed to change this old story (or a better term might be, fairytale) to be able to change my life.
Yes, we can go on as usual. We can tell ourselves a story – (a) that this is just the way things are – that this is our fate, our lot in life, OR, (b) we can let go of that story – and create a better one. One that focuses on who we are, and not what we have or have not done. One where we practice acceptance and compassion. One that lets us live without regret, and instead a life full of possibility. I’ll tell you – I chose option b – and it has set me free.
How did I do it? What did it take for me to turn this around? Check out next week’s blog and I’ll tell you more.
Photo by Jacob Kiesow on Unsplash - Life is not a straight and narrow path - it is a beautiful, winding road.
xx Kim